Terrible Book Club

Callirhoe is considered to be the earliest surviving written romance in Western history and it is said to have popularized a lot of the common tropes of the genre that now haunt us mercilessly. However, since neither of us know much about ancient Greek fiction, Dr. Jeremy Swist is here today as our Charon to guide us down this Stygian river of ancient romance! Dr. Swist is also known as the Metal Classicist. He studies classical reception in heavy metal music and teaches Latin and Greek along with Roman and Greek myths and history. He has taught most recently at Xavier University and the University of Texas at San Antonio and is soon to start a new position at Brandeis University in MA. If you’re interested in knowing more about Jeremy’s research and interviews, you can find him on Twitter as @MetalClassicist or over at his Heavy Metal Classicist Blog  

It's 2017. Mother's Day is coming up. You need to sell more fried chicken than ever before. You are graced with sudden divine inspiration: "What if...what if I hire a ghost writer to create a novella where Colonel Sanders is the sexy love interest and sell it with the buckets of chicken!?" Unbelievably, this is indeed the world we live in - Yum! Brands really did this for KFC in 2017. Even more unfathomably, this ghost written corporate marketing scheme of a book was just about as satisfying as KFC's primary output.

Author Alex Donahue asked us to read his children's book about two young boys living on Prince Edward Island during the tail end of the Great Depression and the beginning of World War II. Alex hoped we'd be surprised by his book and, well, we certainly were in some ways. Leon & Chris has a lovely cover and a solid core story that handles serious topics with a genuinely sweet, childlike tone. However, its potential is diminished by some tedious sections and mechanical writing errors. This could be a great book for young readers once it's refreshed with a serious edit. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today’s episode includes discussion of: bullying, the Great Depression, orphans, starvation, and war.

The inevitable has happened: we heeded the cries of friends and listeners and read a book from Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. Special thanks to Twitter user @laughterbynight for hooking us up with a copy! Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today's episode contains discussion of blood, injury, death, stalking/abusive relationships, and vampires.

Our Patron Lucek requested that we read You're Going to Mars! for an extra special birthday edition of a patron's choice episode. Happy birthday, Lucek! As for the book, well - it's a McDonald's chicken sandwich. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today's episode discusses death, slavery, space, and stabbing. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book (or other written ephemera), head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier to fast-track your book of choice to an upcoming episode!

Our Patron Miri requested that we read the legendary German post-modernist play, Die Hamletmachine and also watch a film adaptation of it. You can watch us react in real-time to the film version on our Patreon. Due to the depths of madness that this piece took us to and the fact that neither of us are thespians, we invited local Boston theater director, actor, and all-around hilarious and glorious human Mary Parker on the show today to guide us through Hamletmachine! You can hear day-time Mary on Eureka's Sounds of Science, the podcast she makes for her actual job. Conversely, you can opt to hear after-hours Mary on the Book #51: Against the Odds episode of Sweet Valley Diaries. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today's episode makes mention of cancer, incest, misogyny, murder, sexual assault, and socialist Germany. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book (or other written ephemera), head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier to fast-track your book of choice

We read The 1776 Report - you know, that weird American history summary that the Trump Administration released on MLK Jr. Day. What could possibly go wrong when 24 people have two months to cram hundreds of years of American history into 20 pages? Content Warnings: Our usual barnyard language, plus: political discussion & racism. It is impossible to discuss this report without also discussing politics and racism, so if you do not want to engage with these topics at the moment, please listen to this episode another time or never!

You are about to enter the Courtroom of Judge Meatball Sub and Judge Veggie Delight with Egg. The authors are real. The stories are not. The rulings are not exactly final. This is TBC Porn Court. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today we're reviewing erotica and that will include discussions of centaur-and-human sex and small penis humiliation. Our patron Dari requested that we read this. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book, head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier to fast-track your book of choice to an upcoming episode!

We have finally heeded the call of numerous listeners and read one of Onision's books. This week, we discuss his third book from 2018, Reaper's Creek. Topline takeaways: (1) this work needs extensive plot re-development and technical editing not just from the author himself, but from hired professionals and (2) the author needs to deal more maturely with nuanced, serious topics like child abuse, murder, and sexual assault. Content Warnings: Alien abduction, child abuse, gore, negative depictions of neurodivergent folks, stabbing, and paedophilia

In the first two-book episode of TBC, Archangel Parisael and Archangel Christophatron sing to the angels and try the breath-tap method. Amidst the angels, crystal caves, and dolphins, we discover how well-intentioned advice can be ruined by poor organization and associations with dubious claims/scams.

Chris Fenton promises a "deeply revealing memoir" with Feeding the Dragon, but is it actually just a glossy, dimensionless jerk-off session with a shoddy Chinese backdrop instead? You decide. Article we referenced during this episode: Debunking Hollywood Agent: Is Chris Fenton ‘Feeding the Dragon’ or Feeding His Ego? by Andrew Rossow, Esq. Content Warnings: sinophobia, extremely brief mentions of drug use and suicide We read this book at the request of our Patron Lynn as part of their Patreon rewards. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book, head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier.

We review a religious text this week! Lured in by the promise of a faith focused on big-assed women and body positivity, we find ourselves deceived by a man who uses women as a prop to try to convince readers to worship him. The Book of Adonitology's summary tells us that it is, "one of the most influential books in the history of literature, recognized as one of the greatest literary master pieces of its time." Its Best Sellers Ranking of 1,551,929 says otherwise - that's an approximate sales rate of a whopping 3 books per month. Content Warnings: Aside from our usual barnyard language, we've got: religious cults, sex cults, homophobia, transphobia, antiquated racial slurs, enslavement/torture, and the sexualization of women with large butts.

Like a plane soaring to cruising altitude in calm, sunny weather, Ninth House really set itself up for success in the first 70% of the book. It had lifelike characters, believable dialogue and internal monologues, settings based on the real world, and even a mostly coherent magic system! However, our happy little plane began to lose altitude at a staggering rate in the latter 30% of the book, culminating in a stuttered, turbulent crash on the tarmac. There were no casualties, but some were injured. Thanks to friend-of-the-show Liz for recommending this book to us! Content warnings: Aside from our usual barnyard language, we’ve got: drug use, ghosts, gore, guns, ritual magic, sexual assault, & stabbing.

D & Ken from Antiques Freaks return - and combine with us, Captain Planet style - for another episode of Terrible Antique Book Freaks! We use Eye of Argon rules to read The Thing Invisible, the final story in the Carnacki the Ghost Finder collection.  Is it an invisible horse again? Does the horse have a knife? Are these butlers also gay, but for knives? Have your Carnacki bingo cards at the ready! Content Warnings: Our usual barnyard language, plus: knives/stabbing, guns, and a bit of Victorian gore.

Happy New Year, listeners! In our first episode of Season 6, we determine that the true villain of bad writing may in fact be capitalism. Thanks to our friend Liz for recommending this to us after she found it through the magic of bad Amazon SEO. Content warnings: Our usual barnyard language, plus: rape (aka non-con or non-consensual erotica); graphic sex, physical abuse, and porn.

It's winter holiday time, so you all get a little gift from TBC. Please enjoy this special Patron's Choice presentation of Terrible Film Club, where you can watch The Plot Against The President with us! The version we watched has already been taken down, but this link was working as of 12/27/2020. Just hit "play" when we do and it'll be like we're suffering right there alongside you. You can also rent or buy this film if you so desire. If you enjoyed this and would like more of it, you can subscribe to our Patreon at the $5/month level or higher to access more episodes of Terrible Film Club. We've watched such film tragedies as the Maradonia movie, Glenn Danzig's Verotika, The Chemical Wedding, Super Mario Bros, and many more. We watched this movie at the request of our Patron Martin as part of their Patreon rewards. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book (or watch a movie!), head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier.

Hounded: The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book One is basically an Irish shonen anime. Does the world need more male power fantasies devoid of consequences? No. Does the world need more well-written dog characters? Yes. We read this book at the request of our Patron Lucek Jay Again as part of their Patreon rewards. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book, head over to our Patreon and select the $10/month tier.

We've somehow been doing this for 100 episodes! We read a sci-fi horror short story with poor pacing and character development, then move on to the inaugural Terrible Book Club Awards! Afterward, we answer a few listener/patron questions and discuss how the show and we as hosts have changed in the last 5 years. Thanks to YouTube user AwfulBookClub for recommending we read They Came with the Snow by Christopher Coleman for today's episode.

Today we read a book that was recommended to us on Twitter over a year ago by Twitter user @GeneCurl. The Demon Pig is a clever, fun fantasy novel full of delightful animal characters, but it narrowly misses the opportunity to be a truly great parody. If you're just looking for a spot of cheer with sharp jokes that pokes a bit of fun at the fantasy genre, though, get a copy for yourself! Content warnings: Just our usual barnyard language this time!

Chris found When TRUMPets Ring: The Battle - A True Story by Gregory Hetzer out in the wild on the C-SPAM thread on the SomethingAwful forums. Yes, I have stairs in my house...do YOU have stairs? This book is the author's attempt at an autobiography meant to encourage the reader to embrace his pro-life, anti-abortion stance. No matter what your opinion on abortion, though, we can all come out from behind our partisan divides to agree that this book needs a serious editor to rewrite and restructure it entirely before it's ever going to change anyone's mind. Content Warning: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today we've got: abortion, domestic violence (brief mentions), death, gunshots, anti-Islamic rhetoric, patriarchal ideas, and suicide (brief mentions).