Futility Belt: A Superhero Rewatch Podcast

Pat and Sarah wrap up season 2 with the one and only be-nippled Bats in Joel Schumacher’s technicolor nightmare, BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997).   Topics covered: we’re bad at audio, ice puns only, 9/11 baby!, “the good Batman”, sexy plant juice, be-nippled and be-butted, Gotham be lookin’ crazy, weird cuts, sloppy Spencer’s mess, Sarah goes mad, shitty Katherine Hepburn, timely Met Gala references, our show concept is bad 

Pat, Sarah, and a very special guest dive into the dark and stupid world of SPAWN (1997) in this week’s ep.   Topics covered: Stan Lee dunks hard, time travel!, H-E-double-hockey-sticks, super powers + guns = dumb, it’s always crimes, cliché-o-rama, chunky Juggalos, unintelligible Leguizamo, Sheen-aissance, handsome faces, unspecial effects, booby vamps, cops deserve semiautos, Satanic Panic?

Is Sarah capable of starting an episode without saying “We’re back”? Definitely not! But this week the duo is talking about STEEL (1997), starring the finest actor of our generation: Shaq.   Topics covered: the black Superman, Shaq the Renaissance Man, Judd Nelson’s evil face, Sparky v. Lilly, Pat says NO NAPS, the world’s slowest-ticking bomb, Hey! Deadwood!, PLL BABY, crime diversity, magic sledgehammer, finger touchin’, when your best is pretty bad

Pat and Sarah watched THE PHANTOM (1995) which is GOOD, actually, despite whatever Pat says! Don’t listen to him!   Topics covered: open to its pleasures, beefin’ with HDTGM, Jeffery Boam baby!, always never trying to be cool, Destiny mythology, microscope murder, everything but the racism, cum-raderie, Titantic fun facts, as good as the Godfather, dog humor, is the Phantom a superhero?

Pat and Sarah dive into the world of Joel Schumaker with BATMAN FOREVER (1995) and discuss which leaden action star takes the cake: Val Kilmer or Dolph Lundgren? Topics covered: Sno-caps, hidden motivation, horny Vicky Vale, fuck the Batmobile, The Shadow cinematic universe, notes on camp, the Joel Schumaker canon, facts about bats, visual gags, Tommy Lee Jones’s beef, Hot Buns v. Kissy Lips, be-earringed boys

TANK GIRL Get ready for an actual argument in this episode because Pat and Sarah butt heads after watching TANK GIRL (1995). Who's right and who's wrong? WHO'S TO SAY? Topics covered: Pat’s WRONG, Green Day’s Duckie, Wes Anderson-heads, chockablock with bangers, ye olde male gaze, mockin’ men, the Beavis & Butthead crowd, better than The Crow, grand schemes, is Tank Girl a superhero?

Bust out your Nightmare Before Christmas tees and your safety-pin earrings because things are getting pretty Hot Topic up in here as your hosts talk about THE CROW (1994).   Topics covered: hot Crow merch, Brandon Lee’s death, hot bods, Stone Temple Pilots, it should be Shelly, Alex Proyas cred, sad lonely man guitar, lookin’ like a mime from hell, ‘90s wrestling fans, fuck you Thor is fun, leather daddies

Your hosts deviate from comics to talk about the radio play hero THE SHADOW (1994) for fans of all ages from 85 to 95!   Topics covered: your favorite grandpas, what are the rules?, bad wigs, Genghis Khan 2, fuck Einstein, TUBES, potato jowls, low-rent Billie Holiday, David Koepp NO!, charmless & smarmless

Pat and Sarah are lying liars and took an EVEN LONGER break between episodes but now they’re discussing Fantastic Four while slowly losing their minds. This one has jokes in it!   Topics covered: Pat’s busy and Sarah’s sad, the Spider-man vault, charmingly terrible, nonquality quality, the blind are magic, more Marvel movie digs, let’s hate together, Sarah is great at plot synopses, bibs & undies, Pat can stop talking

Pat and Sarah took too long of a break between episodes and forgot how to be funny! Oh no! They still talk about BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM (1993) though.   Topics covered: Clean pants party, who’s this movie for?, Sarah’s steel trap noodle, Pat forgot how to argue, Sarah gets animated about animation, the Golden Age of children’s animation, yeah wow no jokes in this one, Mark Hamill is the man

The secretest gadget in our futility belt is here. For two seasons, Pat has been tirelessly removing the verbalized hesitations from our recordings, preserving them for all time in what he calls the "Um Reel." Enjoy, subscribers.

Pat and Sarah return to regular episodes with BATMAN RETURNS! Now featuring 50% more FIGHTING.   Topics covered: Charles Dickens’s ghost, aging properties of toxic waste, Blade Runner 2049 is bad, LET’S FIGHT, Penguin vs. Thanos, wow we really fight! dang!, Nathan Drake the Merry Murderer, Christopher Walken’s smooth baby face, Catwoman: The Movie, the horniest Batman, Penguin’s butt crack

Pat and Sarah are back from summer vacation, and they’re ready to kickoff season 2! …But not yet. So this week it’s all about catching up, updates, and a whole reel of bloops for you to giggle at.   Talking points: what we did on our summer vacations, social media manager position available, logging in is hard, shoutout to super fan Will, what’s coming up, now taking suggestions, Pat’s bad segments, previously unheard yelling, words are hard, parachuting budget: $0, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!, Jenessa with a "C"

Pat & Sarah talk shit about Billy Campbell’s chin in THE ROCKETEER (1991) in the final episode of season one. Stay tuned for a special treat at the end.   Topics covered: going for the jugular, 8-year-old Alex, tonal consistency FTW, KiKi at the Witches’ Picnic, character actors are the stars, Terry O’Quinn!, Errol Flynn loves Nazis, Timothy Dalton can get it, low-rent Bruce Campbell, Pat tries to diagram, Disney owns our imaginations, wrapping up season one  

Finally! Pat & Sarah talk about Captain America! No, not that one. Not the good one. It’s CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990) and boy, oh boy, is this a ROUGH ONE for our gal & Cap superfan, Sarah.   Talking points: attempted murder, fun-bad vs. bad-bad, Sarah Gorr: Fan Boy, President Ronny Cox, starring Ralphie from A Christmas Story, rubberman, the problem with Bernie, adaptations, who needs establishing shots, Cap is narsty, Witches’ Picnic 2: Assassin City, development hell

Pat & Sarah get their first look at a Sam Raimi superhero flick with DARKMAN (1990) in this *very* special episode of Futility Belt.   Talking points: a very special episode, The Last Action Hero Show, the worst proposal, Sam Raimi: Post Modernist, homeless hero, knife boot vs. leg gun, Pat makes Darkman sound smart, is Pat winning Futility Belt?, the skyscraper trope, man in the lonely castle

From BATMAN to B-movies, this week it's time to celebrate the buns, guns, and fun of 1989's THE PUNISHER starring Dolph Lundgren. Not Jon Bernthal. Or Tom Jayne. Topics Covered: Painted-on beards, Dolph’s buns, Tom Jayne is not fictional, mini reviews and a marriage proposal, the podcast’s conceit is failing, The Punisher as a character, undermotivated '80s buns, naked Ninja Turtles, Japanese stereotypes galore, B-movies, Director Mark Goldblatt, dogfood jokes, Dolph Lundgren is wet cardboard

Pat and Sarah travel back to a wildly different era--when Batman movies were both dark *and* fun, when Batman and his foes were kinda kinky, and when Warners could at least pretend like they knew what they were doing with the character. It's Batman '89! Topics Covered: you are my number one guy, Batman on VHS, Sarah's couch and the movie sprite, WB once knew how to Batman, other chinless comedians who could be Batman, the secret eyebrow connection, Jack Nicholson's strange magnetism and gobs of money, Batman is kinda kinky, Tim Burton's resume circa 1989.

This podcast description should tell you all about how in this episode Sarah and Pat discuss Deadpool 2 and respond to listener emails, but it's just too self-reflexive to bother. Topics Covered: Deadpool 2 is a Chipotle burrito, Sarah liked this movie, Pat is a therapist, Zazie Beetz, the conceit of Final Destination, critical emails, Colonel Sanders is probably a racist, Pat was wrong about the rhinos, Sarah stays on brand ie lots of yelling.

Three months late to the game, Pat and Sarah talk about BLACK PANTHER (2018) this week. Listen as they join the ranks of people in love with Michael B. Jordan.   Talking Points: timeliness, theater experiences, Kelly is very cool, Warmonger is the best Marvel villain OF ALL TIME, everyone has a crush on Michael B. Jordan, no props to Marvel, yes props to Ryan Coogler, all corporations are evil, Sarah loves to yell, Lupita Nyong’o is perfect, rhino wars, Pat’s got a big brain, Swamp Thing is BACK